


Double Edged Sword

by NoseBridgePinch



Category: South Park
Genre: Bad Puns, Gen, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-22
Updated: 2021-01-22
Packaged: 2021-03-13 17:48:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,891
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28907328
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NoseBridgePinch/pseuds/NoseBridgePinch
Summary: Cartman wants an honest opinion, no he's seriously, an honest opinion of what his friends think of him. When Stan's attempt at tact and Kenny's sarcasm aren't good enough, Cartman leads by example listing off everything he hates about them. Of all days for Kyle to be tardy to school.
Kudos: 11





	Double Edged Sword

Sometimes when you feel feelings, it can manifest itself into bodily functions.

The prime example, that Cartman could recall, was stupid Stan puking whenever he'd try to talk to Wendy. What a fucking dumbass, to waste emotion and perfectly good food on a bitch like that. The screech of her squeaky voice would grate on Cartman's nerves. Everyone else seemed to ignore it and call him an asshole when he pointed out how annoying she was. Wendy didn't smell like a typical chick either, most drowned themselves in perfumes doing shitty imitations of flowers or fruit. She smelled earthy yet sweet, like a non-chocolate cookie, before it was made awesome by dumping a ton of frosting on it.

If Cartman wanted to get sick over something like that, he'd eat an entire plate of his mom's cookies with Double Diet Dew. On that thought, Eric pulled out his iPhone and sent his mom a quick text under his desk, asking her to make sure there were cookies when he got home. She had made chocolate chip the day before, but he wanted gingerbread now.

He'd go easy on her and not have her drive here and bring them at lunch. He wasn't a complete asshole, also he wanted to apply the frosting himself.

Cartman hardly ever threw up, he wasn't a pussy. But his feelings were manifesting themselves in another way to expel waste. He couldn't pinpoint the exact reason. Possibly extreme boredom at the realization what a complete waste of time school was. The only thing worthwhile about showing up was his daily show of Kyle Broflovski. True, he could get results applying the same behaviors to Butters Stotch, but the reactions from Kyle were much more entertaining. That was like science, or some basic formula in the entertainment industry. Cartman didn't need school to learn what was important in life; he had always been street smart.

Eric's eyes scanned the classroom to see if anyone else could be kind enough to keep him entertained. Butters looked up from note taking and smiled and waved. Ugh, what a dumbass, too stupid to realize no one in their group actually liked him.

Cartman looked to the other two who completed their foursome. Stan and Kenny's desks were right next to each other. Not that Cartman was lonely from where he was seated, but those two looked awfully friendly whispering to each other. Cartman would blow it off as something stupid and probably gay between those two. But he observed both boys lean into each other, then as if they could hear Cartman's thoughts both boys sat up and looked directly at him, before looking away and breaking into laughter.

Oh, was that how those assholes were gonna play? Once their precious Kyle was gone, the fucking group fell apart with the pussy and the poor kid banding together against him? Cartman looked at the clock again, five minutes till recess. Goddammit, he'd get to the bottom of what the hell the Stan and Kenny were laughing over.

But first Eric had to excuse himself; he really did have to take a shit.

Recess was almost half over before Cartman walked out on the playground, making his way up to Stan and Kenny. "Okay, assholes. I want to know what the problem is." He demanded.

"What that the Broncos are completely fucked this season? I want to know what their problem is as well." Stan grumbled, kicking at the snow with his hands in his pockets.

"No, I want to know about that shit you two asshole pulled back in class." Cartman asked, pushing himself closer to the other boys.

"Um, what?" Kenny said, looking questioningly as he and Stan both stepped back. "What did we do?"

"You and Stan seemed to be having the time of your lives, laughing and looking over at me. I want to know what the hell I ever did to you where you can talk behind my back!" Cartman said spitting out his words with increasing louder decibels as his face got redder and redder.

"You've done lost of stupid stuff to us, but we were just screwing around in class. Nothing more." Stan said evenly. "I don't even remember what the hell we were talking about in there. Do you, Kenny?"

"Plenty of stuff, most of it awesome, but nothing having to do with you, Cartman." Kenny said with a small grin, he and Stan had plenty in common, shared between private emails.

"What if I don't believe you?" Cartman demanded once again.

"Then don't." Stan said firmly.

Kenny started to walk away, Stan casually following him but Cartman dragged Stan back by his sleeve. "No, I'm not gonna let it go. You two get away with too much."

"It was honestly nothing. Let it go dude before you piss us off." Stan said as he violently shook Cartman off him.

"You know I am sick of always feeling like an outsider with you guys. No more, I want an honest opinion of what you two think of me right now." Cartman said sharply.

Stan simply stared at Cartman. He never really had to do this before; it was usually Kyle's job. Stan never had a problem switching roles with his best friend, but this was not his expertise since Cartman was...clingy with Kyle.

"Okay." Stan began carefully. "When you're around us you keep things interesting."

"Interesting? All you can come up for me is that I'm interesting?" Cartman said in a blistering tone.

"I could say a lot of things since nothing gets by you, except tact. What the hell do you want me to say?" Stan gritted his teeth.

"I'm trying to get a straight answer from you, Stan. God how fucking stupid are you?" Cartman taunted.

"Not stupid enough to keep this conversation going." Stan replied crisply.

"Oh, now I'm fat on top of being interesting. Well you're a fucking pussy." Cartman spat.

Stan sighed and held up his hands if defeat. "No, no, no I'm not doing this."

"Well I don't think you're interesting at all, Stan. Nobody cares about a pussy around here." Cartman sneered.

"Caring about pussy, heh." Kenny snickered, stepping between the two. "Alright, I'll give it a try. Cartman you are not interesting, you're an asshole. You're an idiotic, fat asshole, and even worse you don't even realize we're trying to be nice because you're too busy being a fat idiotic asshole."

Cartman rolled his eyes. "Oh whatever, Kinny you're not even trying."

"You wanted a straight answer." Kenny said, now fully in the conversation.

"I hear that shit all the time. I thought you'd be more creative than that." Cartman said with a patronizing smile.

Kenny face palmed. "Wow, just wow dude. You're really fucked up."

"You say nothing for an entire day, just stand around like a prop in a bright orange jacket! Why that color? Do you want attention?" Cartman said, trying to get as many jabs at Kenny as he could to punish him for his sheer lameness.

"You asked what we thought about you and now we're getting smacked with orange attention whoring pussy lover. Only one of those things are true, okay?" Kenny said, kicking some snow and dirt in Cartman's direction.

Cartman would reach for everything he could since Kenny was an easy target. "Oh you're getting violent now? I'm sorry if you're angry your mom probably got that jacket out of a dumpster. You probably never talk since you have nothing good to say. I'm just saying what we're all thinking."

"I don't think either of us were thinking of that. What the hell is wrong with you?" Stan butted in.

"You're even worse than Kenny!" Cartman confronted his other stupid friend.

Stan raised an eyebrow. "How am I worse for trying to be nice?"

"Here I asking for my friends to be there for me and you puss out like always." Cartman said, putting his hands on his hips.

Stan held his hands over his ears. "Jesus Christ stop saying that word. If that's all you can call me you haven't been paying attention to me at all."

"Then pay attention to me! I'm asking a simple question and you keep skirting around the issue." Cartman said, the humor leaking out of his voice.

Stan's mouth hung open for a bit. "Kenny's doing what you said and you call him an attention whore. Now that Kyle's absent you're going to try pulling that same shit with us?" Stan started to walk away again. "Not going to work."

"If you're gonna be so deadpan, Stan maybe Wendy should try to touch Craig's thigh again if that's what she's into!" Cartman screamed after him, prompting a few stares from the school children around them.

Stan tried to shake off any embarrassment in case either of the named parties were in earshot. "Christ my name really does rhyme with everything. I'm out of here."

"That's fine, walk away like the pussy you are. You're only proving my point." Cartman shoved a few younger kids out of the way in an effort to catch up to Stan. "I wish there was someone who'd give me what I'm giving you to assholes. Maybe you can better yourselves."

"Oh shut up Cartman, you ass sucker." Stan yelled as he ducked into the school.

"Finally we're getting somewhere." Cartman called back as he jogged to catch up to Stan in the hall.

"No we're rehashing stupid jokes." Stan said, slamming the door the boy's bathroom in Cartman's face.

Butters was at a urinal, his shirt lifted up and singing a little song to himself. He jumped as Stan entered, causing a bit of stream to get on the floor. Cartman rushed in a moment later.

"Seriously, you're following me in here?" Stan said, the tone of annoyance making his voice lower.

"What's going on fellas?" Butters asked as he pulled up his pants and joined the group.

"Nothing. The only thing wrong is no one appreciates honesty. Sorry for telling it like it is." Cartman said, huffing and puffing, his face red from anger and exertion.

"I don't know he's fishing for a complement I guess. Butters, tell Cartman something nice so he'll shut up and leave me alone." Stan snapped, considering hiding in one of the stalls.

Butters rubbed his knuckles together looking between the two boys, hoping no one noticed he hadn't washed his hands yet. "You're awfully swell, Eric. I know we have our differences, but I want to know just how much your friendship means to me."

"Butters you son of a bitch." Cartman said finally catching his breath. "You're only saying that because Stan told you to. Do ever think for yourself? If Stan told you to slaughter a bunny would you do that for the sake of friendship?"

"I-I..." Butters stammered.

"What you need someone's permission?" The door opened once again as Kenny entered, Cartman turned to him. "Hey Kenny why don't you get some kind of small animal for Butters to kill since he and Stan are such good friends."

"What the fuck?" Kenny exclaimed, halfway considering turning and leaving.

"This is the exact reasons we aren't good friends. I can't even have a decent conversation with you guys when I'm trying to help you better yourselves. I'm not even sure why we talk, it's all bullshit anyway." Cartman lashed out.

"If you don't want to talk to me or Stan ever again I'm cool with it." Kenny replied.

"Awh, is the group breaking up? Maybe you and I can start our own group, Kenny." Butters offered a little smile to the kid he wished was his best friend.

"Butters, shut up." Kenny said sharply.

"I know you assholes have had it out for me for a long time. Some giant secret of all the shit you think about me. I can't even get you guys to bring it out in the open. Stan's too soft to be truthful, we can hardly understand what Kenny says unless it's about titties, Butters is too stupid to realize all nice people are meant to get taken advantage of. Fuck all of you; you've lost all your credibility." Cartman shouted.

"What about me?"

Stan and Kenny turned to look at the fourth member of their group. Kyle stood in the doorway, his officially declared cavity-free mouth turned up in a sneer. He brandished a toothbrush in front of him, another in front of his jacket pocket ("Take two bubbe, they're free.")

"Here we go." Stan sighed getting ready to move his hand up to his face.

Kyle stepped closer to the group, letting the bathroom door shut carefully behind him for once. "I saw you guys come in here. What the hell are you trying to pull now, fatass?"

"So good of you to make it, Kahl." Cartman's voice suddenly turning sickly sweet. "Are you also in on the conspiracy that Stan and Kinny have against me?"

"What the hell is his talking about?" Kyle said, crossing his arms.

"I'll explain since Stan and Kinny are terrible at describing shit." Cartman said, ignoring the frowns of the other two. "All I asked was they give me honest opinions about me. They're too two faced and stupid to do a good job."

"So you wanted honesty on what we think of you?" Kyle asked with an air of exasperation.

"Go on do it." Kenny whispered as he and Stan stepped back. Butters was right between Kyle and Cartman, but Kenny gently dragged him out of harm's way.

"You have anything to say, Kahl?" Cartman asked in an almost delicate reply.

"Yeah I do. This whole thing was reaffirmation of your self hatred. We all hate you, but not nearly as much as you hate yourself." Kyle said smoothly, happily standing his ground for more than publicity reasons.

There was a moment of silence as all four boys watched for Cartman's reaction.

Cartman's face was blank. His eyebrows knitted together, his hand went to his chin. Then he broke out into the most genuine smile he had given in weeks. "This is exactly what I'm talking about."

Before Kyle could react Cartman outstretched his arms. For a moment Kyle thought he was about to be strangled, but Cartman's arms wrapped around his neck in a very awkward hug. "Kahl's my only true friend in this group. The rest of you suck, at least Kahl also has the balls to tell it like it is."

"Get off me fatass." Kyle yelled as he almost fell back against Cartman's weight.

Kenny tried to pull Cartman off of poor Kyle. But the fatass's grip was tight. "Dude Butters, help me."

"But I'm not supposed to do what my friends tell me if I want to think for myself. I don't want any bunnies to die." Butters cried out.

Stan rolled his eyes as he went to help yank Cartman off Kyle, who was now pressed against one of the walls.

Finally Cartman broke free, his smile intense while Kyle looked horrified. "Now that everything is good between us again I'm off to spread honesty to the other assholes on the playground. Come on Butters, you can help yourself by helping others."

"Okay!" Butters said, clapping his hands and following Cartman outside leaving the other three boys alone.

"Wow..." Was all Kyle could muster as he hugged himself and shuddered.

"Cartman...really likes you." Kenny said sympathetically.

"I'm aware." Kyle said, standing up straight and regaining his composure. He removed his gloves, setting them on the sink to wash his hands over and over with very hot water.

"That was amazing the way you could be truthful enough to sink into his twisted mind." Kenny encouraged. "You were the only one blunt enough for his double edged sword."

"Goddammit, I fuckin hate puns!" Stan finally screamed, his face as red as Cartman's a moment ago. Stan yanked open the door and slammed it behind him as he stomped out into the hall.

"Damn, dude. What the hell was that?" Kyle asked, drying his hands with a paper towel. The insanity never ended between his friends, did it?

Kenny stood behind Kyle, looking at his reflection in the mirror solemnly as he talked to him. "Cartman kept pushing him. I'm shocked he didn't snap sooner. Actually that gives me even more respect for you for dealing with that shit and not going completely crazy."

"Well I'm still taking Prozac." Kyle sighed, wiping his hands on his coat before putting his gloves back on. "Should we go look for him?"

Kenny shrugged. "If you want, Stan's gotten weirder and weirder in his attitude lately."

"Kenny, can I be honest? Cartman's become so predictable lately; I'm starting to worry more about Stan these days." Kyle said, pushing open the bathroom door and looking both ways in the hallway to figure out which direction Stan had gone in.

"That sucks dude, but I've had more than enough honesty in our group than I can handle in one day." Kenny said as he followed Kyle out into the hallway.

Both boys looked at each other for a moment, then turned and walked in opposite directions. Kyle to go look for Stan and Kenny off to find wherever Craig was hanging out.


End file.
